


slowly, dangerously

by jihwannaone (hongpikachu)



Category: HOTSHOT (Band), JBJ (Band), Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Established Relationship, Fantasy, Hanahaki AU, M/M, Tragedy, prepare your tissues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-28 21:05:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15057794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hongpikachu/pseuds/jihwannaone
Summary: risky and dangerous, you play with my heartwhat do i do? my feelings keep growing





	slowly, dangerously

**Author's Note:**

> before anything else, i would just like to say that i have never poured so much heart and soul into this fic as i have for my other fics
> 
> thank you to the mods of mon cheri for this amazing fic fest, and thank you to the prompters for the amazing ideas, especially to the one who submitted the prompt i chose ^^ 
> 
> this fic is unbeta-ed so apologies for the mistakes you're about to come across
> 
> please enjoy~

“Tae-Taehyun…”

 

Sungwoon managed to wheeze in between his loud coughing fits, balled fists hitting his own chest in hopes to ease the bruising pain he feels everytime his chest constricts. Taehyun was quick to push aside the grogginess after being woken up at three in the morning by loud coughs and small cries for help. It wasn’t long before Sungwoon sees the vapor and feels the mask placed on his face, causing the air to be contained on the area of his mouth and nose.

 

Sungwoon feels guilty to see his lover tending to his needs despite having slept late the night before. Though his vision was hazy with the tears forming earlier, he doesn’t miss the dark circles and puffy cheeks that Taehyun had, creases forming on his forehead as he tries to focus and remain calm, even though Sungwoon knows that deep inside he was panicking.

 

“Can you text my boss for me? Tell him I can’t – “

“It’s okay. I’ll do it. Just rest and try to go back to sleep, alright?”

 

The ease that came after was easy, especially with Taehyun guiding him with his inhales and exhales, just like how it was before. The said man was talking to the mentioned boss on the phone when their gazes meet. Sungwoon’s chest hurts once more and he just wants to think that his asthma has gotten worse than the first time.

 

But nothing was worse than the confusion in his head. When he looks at Taehyun’s eyes, he sees nothing but the same consistent devotion, admiration, and even longing ever since they’ve come into terms with their feelings.

 

Sungwoon clutches the damp yellow bud on his palm, wondering where he went wrong that Taehyun was falling out of love with him.

 

\--

 

“Hey Sungwoon, how’s your asthma? Is it okay now?” Sungwoon was greeted on the hallways one morning by his boss, who was genuinely concerned for whatever reason there is. It’s been two weeks since the asthma attack but Sungwoon already started reporting back to work three days ago.

 

There was a tugging feeling on his chest once more, but he doesn’t want his boss to worry so he musters up a front and tries to hold back whatever wheezing noise he could. “I’m fine. Just taking maintenance medicine but I’ve had worse.” He gets taken aback by how his superior looked relieved, and somehow the emotion causes the wheezing harder to suppress.

 

“Thanks for the concern, Sir Hwang.” Sungwoon manages to say with a smile before he ends up staring at the manager’s back.

 

It was a privilege to be working for, and even more so that he was directly working under Hwang Minhyun, CEO of one of the largest banks in South Korea and East Asia in general. Two years of being a teller, three years of promotions until he has been deemed qualified to work at the top office. The salary grade and benefits allowed him to secure the best health care packages for himself and his grandfather, as well as expand their family farm and buy himself and Taehyun a new house to live in. All those with a very attractive boss as the cherry on top.

 

Minhyun is indeed young, tall and broad and not lanky, the outlines of his eyes defined, precise, and sharp just as he is, prim and proper, smart, and polite. He’s every mother’s ideal son-in-law, every woman’s (and even man’s) prince charming, every (straight) man’s object of envy, and a certain someone else’s dream come true. Of course, Hwang Minhyun had his faults and flaws as every human being, but his strengths seem to always outweigh his weaknesses.

 

As if on cue with his thoughts, the certain someone came knocking on his office door and greeted him with the sun as bright, or even brighter, at its peak. “Hi Sungwoon, good morning. Is Minhyun free?” The tone was animated, jovial even, and at the back of his smile he curses Yoon Jisung for looking like the sun shines out of his ass every day. “Yes, he’s free. In fact, he’s expecting you, Director Yoon.” His cheeks hurt from all the fake smiling, but if it’s what it takes to keep his job, he’d endure it.

 

“Come on, how many times do I have to tell you that you can call me Jisung? I really won’t mind since you— Minhyunnie!” Jisung seemed to radiate more once he caught sight of Minhyun, who was wrapping the other in a tight embrace.

 

“Can you lovebirds take your business to the executive office? As you can see, my boyfriend isn’t here to join the hug fest.”  His comment made the mood a little lighter that he finds himself laughing too, but the smile not reaching his eyes. The lovebirds bid him goodbye and he’s thankful for the administrative assistant’s office to be made for the privacy of one person.

 

Sungwoon notices that his chest feels weird when he gulps down the glass of water. That, and his mood feels heavier than usual. His gaze wavers to the brown door just ahead of him, then down to the picture frame of him and Taehyun smiling like the lovesick teenagers they were, and his heart betrays him. The pain was sharp that he collapsed to his seat, piercing through his chest as if he was stabbed by a knife. By now there were tears flowing on his cheeks but he was too pained to notice. He tries to scream or call for help but everytime he opens his mouth, he finds himself gasping for air.

 

The world closes out on Sungwoon and the last thing he hears was the sad song on the radio, whose melody he was dearly familiar with, before he passes out on the cold tile floor.

 

\--

 

“Thank God you’re awake.”

 

The room smelled like disinfectant and that alone was enough to make Sungwoon dizzy. He feels a sting on the back of his hand and that’s when he notices the IV being attached to him. Holding his IV-free hand was Taehyun, face complete with dark circles and face still puffy from sleeping.

 

He takes a glance at the wall clock, it was fifteen minutes past eight in the evening.

 

“How long have I been here?”

 

“Since about three in the afternoon? Good thing your boss found you and called an ambulance immediately.”

 

When Taehyun mentioned Minhyun, the guilt started to sink in and the bruising pain comes back to Sungwoon, even more excruciating than when he was in the office. Although his lips were already chapped, Sungwoon still bit on it while trying to sit upright, taking all his willpower and strength to not show his boyfriend how much it hurts for him.

 

But Taehyun was no fool.

 

“Sungwoon? Does it hurt again? Should I call the doctor?”

 

Before Sungwoon could even stop Taehyun, the latter has already sprinted outside the room and rushed to the nurse’s station. It didn’t take long before the nurses arrived and administered painkillers. When the pain subsided, Sungwoon can only give his lover an apologetic look before heading to sleep. The warmth of Taehyun’s hand on his was comforting yet painful at the same time.

 

\--

 

_I left to get breakfast. I’d be back in about 10AM. Eat your meals too. Press the red button on the bed if you need help from a nurse. I love you. -TH_

There was already breakfast being served on the desk beside him, and the only remnants of last night’s pain was a slight bruising feeling on his chest. Despite that, it still felt a little stuffy, as if there was something inside it. He just ignores the pain.

 

 

It was about nine in the morning when he finished eating up his breakfast and watched whatever show he could on television. News on local channels have just ended and he was immersed in the dramas when a knock on the door was heard.

 

“Mr. Ha?” His doctor called out. He was tall, the coat of his uniform still bright in color, a stethoscope dangling just on his neck. “Oh, good, you’re awake. I’m your doctor and I’m here to talk about your x-ray results.”

 

Blood suddenly rushed in Sungwoon’s veins, nervous without knowing what to expect from his medical condition.

 

“Is it bad, doc?” He croaked, throat a little strained from all the coughing he did.

 

“Actually, I’m glad I’m discussing this while your boyfriend isn’t here.” The results were laid out on Sungwoon’s lap and when he takes out the x-ray, his gaze focused on the small dark lump with vein-like structures forming on his sternum. Suddenly, Sungwoon felt the blood drain from his face, his hands losing strength by the second.

 

“That, Mr. Ha, is the start of Hanahaki. It usually starts out painless but it seems like your roots are firm and very active, which is why you’re having these sudden asthma attacks. It can be treated early with surgery, seeing that your case is unique, but you wouldn’t be able to feel any love for your boyfriend anymore.”

 

Sungwoon could only stare into the film on his hands, trying to absorb each and every word that the doctor uttered. He didn’t realize they bade their goodbyes, the doctor taking the results with him while Sungwoon just stares at his own pale palms.

 

_Does he not love me anymore?_

 

_Is he seeing someone else?_

_Is there something wrong with me?_

_Was I the one who fell out of love?_

The last thought made Sungwoon want to vomit, the thought of the possibility of him being the bad guy and breaking the heart of the man he’s sworn to be with for the rest of his life made him feel like he just finished a bad roller coaster ride.

 

As if on cue, five minutes before 10 AM struck and Taehyun got inside the room, forehead sweating and breathing labored, a bag of fruits clutched onto his hand. “Sorry, did I keep you waiting?” Taehyun still smiles at Sungwoon like the latter was made up of heaven’s finest stars crafted into a living breathing masterpiece. “I met your grandpa and he sent you these. Your stomach’s okay, right? You’re allowed to eat all this?”

 

Sungwoon nods in response, because his throat feels too dry to utter a sound.

 

_I fucked up._

 

He wishes that the painkillers could numb him of the guilt he feels too.

 

\--

_The most known cases of Hanahaki are reported as instantaneous. It is acute, with usually a bad prognosis when the patient refuses the only known manipulated treatment for it: surgical removal of the growing bud just above the person’s sternum. But, just as how the plant starts as a small root creeping onto the sturdy calcium surface of the body, it isn’t as acute as people describe it to be. The science of –_

“Hey, switch the channel, the movie’s starting.” Sungwoon snaps out of his daze when he recognizes Taehyun’s voice, who was on his way to the couch bringing a bowl of popcorn. If there was ever that hint of panic or being startled in Sungwoon’s demeanor and look, Taehyun didn’t make the effort to acknowledge it.

 

The amount of rain outside was just enough for the pitter-patter on the roof to sound melodious and not frightening like that of stormy nights accompanied by lightning or thunder. And despite the gloomy cold outside, they still chose to turn on the electric fan instead of the heater so that they’d have more reason to snuggle underneath the thick quilt that Sungwoon carried to the couch.

 

Thankfully, the two of them were always unfazed with horror movies. When other couples use it as an excuse to cling to one another, they have it to laugh at how ugly the ghosts are (especially the clowns), but they’re also not fake enough to pretend to be brave, as they also scream when the scare is indeed convincing. The scream of terror and eerie piano music blended peacefully well with the crunching noise of chewed popcorn and the raindrops melodiously hitting the roof and they think nothing could go wrong.

 

Blood was everywhere on the scene and then everything reverse fades into a sunlit background. The darkness was gone and everyone was happy except for the mass murderer with crappy face paint. The rain slows down to a drizzle, the sound on the roof now reminiscent to that of rustling of feet on grass. Only a piece or two of popcorn was left on the bowl and Taehyun turns to see Sungwoon already fast asleep on his lap.

 

It was the face he came to see since he was in diapers, the one he always teased for having too much cheek fat when they were aware of how playful insults work in life, the face that joined him in standing up against the bullies back in high school, the face that he watched to grow more and more handsome each day. Sungwoon had the face he came to love, the face that loved him, and the face that he can call his home. And he stares at the said face in admiration for a while, because the younger does look exceptionally good when he sleeps, before shutting his own eyes to find his own slumber as the dusk fades to darkness.

 

Taehyun feels his own chest swell and smiles as he revels in the silence, the serenity, the peace of how his love grows. But our own feelings are there to blind us from the reality, it doesn’t let us see or feel how painful it is for the roots to start growing in the depths of our bones. And he sleeps, basking in the mask of naivety of his love.

 

 

When Sungwoon woke up, it was four in the morning and Taehyun has already moved the both of them to their shared bed. His gaze focuses on the strands of hair looking like messy streaks on the canvas of the older’s forehead, then down to the bridge of his nose and to the dark shadow underneath his eyes, then at the lips that looks so soft, the lips that made his heart skip beats whenever they kissed.

 

Sungwoon stares at how Taehyun looks so peaceful in slumber while being illuminated with the dim moonlight, and his chest aches again. The aching on his chest was so much more than the past week and before he knows it, he’s coughing again. This time there was something rough that passed on his throat. He looks at the small and bright yellow petals against the pale blue sheets and the dread starts to sink in.

 

If he doesn’t move on from whoever he’s in love with, or if he doesn’t get surgery, then his days are numbered.

 

“I’m sorry.” It was all he could whisper, saying it to his sleeping lover for he was too scared. He gathers the damp petals on his pale and shaking hands, chucking them in his shorts pocket (thank heavens these shorts have pockets) and hopes that everything has been a dream once he wakes up on the sunrise.

 

\--

 

 

“Your desk looks lively. Did you attend a wedding and catch a bouquet?” Jisung particularly eyed the well-decorated flower vase on a corner of the desk, complete with a white lace ribbon just an inch below the rim. Yellow daffodils in full bloom stood out in Sungwoon’s usually mellow-toned office room. “Who even uses daffodils for wedding bouquets?” he replies with his signature uninterested tone, and while he expects Jisung to get offended by it, he was surprised to hear the usual joyful laughter echo around the confined space.

 

“Maybe your boyfriend might?”

 

A voice startled the both of them and Jisung’s first instinct was to deliver a punch, albeit not too painful, on Minhyun’s shoulder. The next thing he remembers is seeing Jisung cling to Minhyun like a koala and he was so close to warn them about PDA in the office. Sungwoon thanks his self-control that pulls through sometimes.

 

“To commemorate the day I caught the bouquet, maybe?” He just manages to utter with a small laugh that sounded somewhat bitter to him, but he doesn’t even notice the hint of distaste of the words on his tongue as he tries to keep his eyes on the screen.

 

“Anyways, Sungwoon, maybe you can cancel my – “

 

“Yes, Sir Hwang, I’ll cancel you 3PM meeting. Should I tell them you had constipation? They probably won’t like the idea of you ditching another meeting for a date.”

 

“Thank you, Sungwoon. That would be lovely. If they ask for a medical certificate you can—”

 

“Yes, I can just have my friend from the hospital sign it, I know. Now go, the time is ticking.”

 

 

The door closes and it somehow felt like Sungwoon finally let go of a breath he didn’t notice he was holding. He applauds himself for holding up the pain in his chest well. When Minhyun and Jisung were out of the room, he releases the petals from his chest, bright yellow scattering on his desk over his papers.

 

His attention was on the petals, the suffocating feeling of the goddamned plant, and how he was going to clean this mess, that he didn’t notice a faint knocking on the door.

 

“By the way, Sungwoon…”

 

It’s moments like this when Sungwoon wishes that he’d faint for whatever reason, but his eyes meet Minhyun’s surprised ones. And like a deer caught in headlights, he carries all the nausea-inducing shock and guilt as he wordlessly sprints off to the nearest restroom.

 

 

\--

 

 

Taehyun always likes the idea of going home first before Sungwoon does. This means he can prepare the other’s meal and prepare surprises for him without having to worry about getting caught in the process. He was in the middle of cooking dinner when he was startled at the shadow he sees just near his feet.

 

“Taehyun? You’re already home.”

He sees Sungwoon before him, face still puffy and hair disheveled. It felt like a dream, a strange dream, seeing Sungwoon with him so early. “You’re home early. Did something happen?” All the possible accidents he can think of at the bank went through his head and he just drops his spatula to engulf Sungwoon in a tight hug.

 

Taehyun feels it, the sharp stabbing kind of pain on his chest, and the suddenness of the sting causes him to almost fall, arms still not losing their grip on Sungwoon’s frame.  “Are you okay?” Sungwoon manages to croak and momentarily, Taehyun forgot the pain in his chest.

 

“I should be the one asking you that. Did something happen? Is your asthma getting worse?”

 

Sungwoon’s the type of person who’s straightforward and rash, which makes him not that good of a liar so Taehyun can see how Sungwoon’s pupils shift from left to right, not missing that split second of getting caught off-guard.

 

“Yeah. Sir Hwang noticed me coughing again and he told me to rest some more at home.”

 

Taehyun lets the questions at the back of his head get set aside for now, for his main concern was to have Sungwoon recover from his asthma.

 

“Why don’t you get some more rest and I’ll make you porridge.”

 

Sungwoon smiles in reply, like that of a kid, and the pain becomes stronger that Taehyun had to grip on the edge of the kitchen counter to support himself. He wasn’t aware of how the roots were starting to grow on his sternum, a small bud already forming inside him.

 

He brushes the pain aside and tries to focus on making the porridge for Sungwoon. Taehyun would do anything not to let that smile fade away.

 

\--

 

“Good night.” Taehyun gives Sungwoon a kiss on the forehead and watches his lover fall asleep beside him. His gaze focused on Sungwoon’s chest steadily rising and falling, and notices a slight hint of wheezing as he does so.

 

It hurts for Taehyun to be helpless in this situation when all he wants is to do all that he could for Sungwoon to finally be free from the burden of the pain. Due to instinct, his hands find his lover’s and he holds the small and delicate hand in his own, hoping that his warmth would be enough for Sungwoon to feel better in the morning.

 

A sigh disturbs the silence in the dead of the night. It was probably a minute or two past twelve and the silence and darkness gives Taehyun a heavy feeling. Maybe it was seeing Sungwoon so weak and in pain, or maybe it was his own chest pain that made him restless.

 

Five minutes passed before he could think of taking pain relievers, thinking that it was just the stress at work, so he slips off the bed as quietly as he can to look through the medicine cabinet. There were different bottles and small plastic containers for different over-the-counter drugs and vitamins, yet his eyes landed on a brown envelope hidden behind the bottles.

Taehyun examines the envelope first, thinking it might be past dental records or when he broke a rib from all the dancing he had to do in his youth, but there weren’t much creases on the edges. He takes out the dark film inside the envelope and takes a close look at it. On the corner he sees Sungwoon’s name, as well as his doctor’s name.

 

_This is probably Sungwoon’s x-ray results. Why didn’t he tell me he had this?_

 

The outline was hard to decipher as the entire room was just dimly lit by one small bulb. He takes a small glance at their shared room and adjusts the opening of the door before turning on the light, now giving the x-ray results a better look. Somehow the world seemed to come to a stop once he makes out the vein-like structures on Sungwoon’s sternum, and the small bright white ball just on top of the bones.

 

“Hana… Hanahaki…”

 

The words felt like hot acid on Taehyun’s tongue, like a thousand needles being pricked on his throat whenever he speaks it, whenever he swallows and holds his tears back from falling. It was a reality he wanted to wake up from, that the x-ray result in his hands actually belong to someone else’s instead of his lover’s.

 

He doesn’t remember how he managed to even find the strength to stand up, walk, return the envelope where he found it, and go back to bed. Taehyun couldn’t even manage to look at his lover sleeping soundly beside him, or acknowledge his own chest pain that feels like a knife being twisted left and right.

 

_Did I fall for someone else?_

_Is it my fault?_

_Why does it hurt so much, then?_

_Maybe… Just maybe…_

_Was I not enough for him?_

 

_Do I have to do more?_

 

_Is someone trying to take him away from me?_

 

His hand reaches for Sungwoon’s underneath the sheets, somehow finding comfort and warmth when his palm started to feel cold and sweaty from everything he has to absorb. His eyes come to a close, and the entire world fades to black.

 

 

\--

 

“Taehyun, wake up!”

 

The morning came in a haze, not recalling how much amount of sleep he’s gotten or if he was really up that late. Sungwoon’s voice was still hoarse but better than before. The sun was already up and the sky was a peaceful shade of blue. Beside him was Sungwoon, who smelled like the rose-scented shampoo they had with a hint of whatever scent the skincare products have. The background was slightly a blur, but slowly came into view the white walls of their bedroom. 

 

When he gathers enough strength, he ends up sitting on the bed, the sheets crumpled above his lap. Taehyun’s head felt heavy now that he’s trying to carry the weight of it, and it doesn’t help that his chest felt like someone used it as a punching bag.

 

“Slowly… Slowly…” He can hear Sungwoon say as gentle as he could, a palm now soothing on his back. “Don’t move too suddenly. Looks like you’re having a migraine. Take the day off today, I’ll call your boss.” And before he can say a word of protest (because migraine or not he has a large-scale building to supervise today), Sungwoon was already talking to Taehyun’s boss.

 

“Stay here. Lie back down if you have to. I’ll cook you something.” And again, before he can protest, he can only reach out to Sungwoon’s back which is getting smaller and smaller until he exits the bedroom. The room was indeed too bright and the sunlight’s warmth was stronger than he remembers it to be. He thinks of Sungwoon, and today, and that maybe he’s falling out of love.

 

“No… No…” Taehyun chants to himself, getting the nearest pillow and hitting his head with it. Surprisingly (or not), the soft pillows make his head ache more with each impact, and so he stopped and gave up, trying to fight back the tears in case Sungwoon comes barging in.

 

_Sungwoon…_

 

Suddenly, the tightness of his chest was more profound, and he coughs after a breath or two’s struggle, surprised to see large, white petals as crumpled as the sheets, come out of his throat. Indeed, it tasted bitter, like how soap would taste when you accidentally eat a bubble, except the bitterness of falling in love alone was more painful.

 

“Taehyun I –”

 

Time seemed to have frozen still at that very moment when Sungwoon barged in the room and noticed the flower petals scattered on the sheets in front of Taehyun. They exchanged gazes of confusion, of fear, of pain. It was Taehyun who first shed tears, silently having the droplets trickle down his cheek and land on top of the petals before him.

 

In between their silence was the sound of the kettle’s hoot, and Sungwoon had to hurry back to the kitchen to finish whatever he was preparing, not uttering any word even when he came back to the bedroom with a tray of food.

 

\--

 

 

“Let’s fix this.”

 

Sungwoon was abruptly frozen in his spot, the sudden breaking of the silence feeling like several glass shards scratching his ear drum.

 

“Regardless if it’s you or I who fell out of love, who got into this mess, I’ll be the one to do what you want. If you want someone else, I’ll set you free with them. If you tell me to get out, I would. I just… I want to make you happy.”

 

This time it was Sungwoon’s turn to have his vision obscured by his tears.

 

“But Taehyun, I’m also confused. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was afraid of a lot of things. Of you. Of me. Of us.”

 

“Can we perhaps…” It was difficult for Taehyun, trying to swallow down the tears and have the right words come out of his mouth instead of the petals blocking his airways. “… Can we try to fall in love with each other again?”

 

Without words, Sungwoon wraps Taehyun in a tight embrace. Sometimes, he thinks, words are better left unsaid and actions are better given vague. Because he couldn’t promise Taehyun that the two of them would be back to their usual selves.

 

“Thank you.” Taehyun spoke once more, now letting his tears fall down freely on Sungwoon’s shoulder while Sungwoon cries on his own, too afraid to show his face to Taehyun. Their chests ache again, but their thoughts and worries at the moment were enough to dull the pain.

 

 

\--

 

 

For the following months, Sungwoon has decorated his tabletop with fresh daffodils each week. The petals he has been coughing have increased in the days that passed after Taehyun found out. His condition hasn’t seemed to worsen, but it hasn’t shown signs of getting better as well.

 

“Secretary Ha?”

 

A head appeared behind the opened door, a young boy in a formal suit with a shy smile on his face. He looked nervous, even unable to maintain more than three seconds of eye contact with Sungwoon.

 

“You must be Jinyoung, the new intern. Come in.”

 

The younger, Jinyoung, could only nod and take small steps inside the room. His gaze was low while his fingers fidget against one another. A seat was offered and the younger sat on it, gaze unwavering.

 

“What brings you here?”

 

Sungwoon sounded warmer than usual, for he always had a soft spot for shy and young kids, and he knows how he could seem scary and intimidating with his loud voice despite his docile appearance. It takes a while for Jinyoung to speak, and Sungwoon was patient with the other who’s still trying to form the proper sentence in his head.

 

“Uncle Min—I mean, Sir Hwang told me to tell you that he can’t make it to work today and to cancel his appointments.”

 

This time the younger spoke while maintaining faux eye contact (apparently, he was staring at Sungwoon’s forehead) and his voice was a little louder. This made Sungwoon smile just a little bit and Jinyoung feels a little more relaxed by it. “That would be all.” He finishes off and at this point Sungwoon is just holding himself back from cooing at his boss’s nephew, who’s now standing up.

 

“Thank you, Jinyoung. Is your uncle sick?”

 

Jinyoung nods in response once, then leaves the room after doing a small bow. Sungwoon’s room is filled with silence once more so he decides to finish off the rest of his paperwork while playing music loud enough to fill the empty space.

 

Somehow there was a feeling of disappointment at the thought of his day being quiet today. He’s always looked forward to going here and there with Minhyun, and sometimes even taking phone calls for his boss. He’s even missed the way Minhyun opens the door wide enough for his head to fit in and greet Sungwoon a good morning once he arrives.

 

“Do I…. miss Minhyun?”

 

His own realization stops Sungwoon from everything. Time seemed to stop as the sound of the music gets drowned and muffled by his own thought. Minhyun’s smiling face comes to mind once more, the coughing fits, and Sungwoon doesn’t realize that he’s been coughing flower petals already, damp sheets of yellow already piling up his lap.

 

 

_Taehyun, I’m sorry._

 

 

\--

 

 

The next morning Minhyun shows himself in Sungwoon’s office, Sungwoon pretends to have fallen asleep on his desk, not wanting himself to see the other’s face to prevent himself from coughing up petals again.

 

Instead of getting angry at the sight of a sleeping employee, however, Minhyun gently placed the coffee cup on Sungwoon’s desk.

 

“I know you’re having a hard time lately, coming to work every single day with your condition. You’ve worked hard, Sungwoon.”

 

Once the door was surely closed, Sungwoon jolted up on his seat in panic. The scent of coffee grabs his attention and he looks at the cup just beside his laptop. It had a bright yellow post-it with a drawn smiley face and the words _you’ve worked hard_.

 

Beneath the coffee cup was a small silver envelope decorated elegantly with a thick lace ribbon, edges sparkling with silver glitter. It looked like it was an invitation to some kind of company event, so Sungwoon opens it without much thought.

 

 

_To: Ha Sungwoon & Roh Taehyun_

_You are cordially invited to the wedding ceremony for Yoon Jisung & Hwang Minhyun…_

 

The rest of the words came to a blur. Sungwoon chucked the invitation to his pocket and hurriedly texted Minhyun that he’d head home early as he wasn’t feeling well. He didn’t wait for a response from Minhyun as he briskly makes it out of the building.

 

He had only one thought in his head as he hailed a cab on the street, telling it to get to his destination as fast as possible. Along the way, he texts Taehyun to meet him on the hospital. Another daffodil bud blooms inside Sungwoon and he starts to cough out large yellow petals inside the cab, each blow becoming more painful to his throat.

 

 

Sungwoon wants to have the surgery as fast as possible.

 

 

\--

 

 

_From: Sungwoon_

_Taehyun, meet me at the hospital. I’m already on my way_

 

 

 

Taehyun has never sprinted out of the office so quickly after asking his supervisor to be excused (and continuously promising him that the blueprints will be polished fully as soon as he comes back). He almost ran into bikers twice and have accidentally dropped a kid’s lollipop along the way. On an ordinary day, he would have apologized and made things right but this time only Sungwoon mattered.

 

Taehyun checks his phone again once he’s in front of the hospital gates and rushes to the room, even taking the stairs when the elevator was too crowded and too slow for his liking. He doesn’t knock when he arrived, only opening the door abruptly, and Sungwoon was before him, breathing aided with a mask.

 

Their gazes meet and Sungwoon musters a smile with what little energy was left inside him. The beads of sweat on Taehyun’s forehead make the breeze from the aircon colder on his skin, and he could get sick but screw that because at this moment, Sungwoon is his priority.

 

 

“What happened?” Taehyun’s voice cracks and he breaks into a sob while holding Sungwoon’s free hand. Sungwoon was pale and hair slightly disheveled probably from the lying down he had to do. He sees the yellow petals just near the bed.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Sungwoon managed to croak, throat now hoarse from all the coughing he did earlier before Taehyun arrived. A nurse went inside shortly, just in time for Taehyun to calm down, and he was handed a paper to sign. Luckily the nurse caught on the other’s confusion quickly and replied.

 

“We need someone to authorize the surgery. Since his direct relatives are away, he notified me that you, his cousin, would sign it.”

 

Taehyun looks at Sungwoon and in his eyes, something in between the lines of hurt and confusion. It was as if his body was beckoned by some unknown force and so he presses the tip of the pen on the paper and signed on the designated area with hesitation.

 

The two of them let the afternoon pass in total silence, save for the soft sound of the television playing whatever drama it was that they haven’t seen before. Sungwoon eventually went to sleep, emitting small wheezing noises. Years ago, Taehyun was also in this situation. They were fifteen and Sungwoon almost passed out from playing soccer under the sun. Even the noises were the same back then but never did he imagine seeing his best friend, his lover, about to be stripped of his feelings for the sake of survival.

 

It was nighttime when he was alarmed by the faint yet persistent ringing of a phone, reminiscent to that of a mosquito buzzing to and fro without knowing where it exactly is. He was somehow led to Sungwoon’s jeans that rested on the closet. When he was about to pick up the phone, he sees a sparkle in the pocket and takes it as well.

 

In some way, the puzzle starts to slowly make sense for Taehyun. Nevertheless, he shoves his thoughts aside and picks up the incoming call from Sungwoon’s phone.

 

“Secretary Ha? Thank god, you’re finally picking up. Are you okay?” Minhyun’s usually calm voice had a hint of distress into it and somehow Taehyun’s gut feeling was nagging at him to end the call, but he has to be civil, this is Sungwoon’s employer after all.

 

“Hey, this is Taehyun. Sungwoon isn’t feeling so well right now.”

 

“Ah, really? Is he taken to the hospital? I can pay him a visit, if you don’t mind.”

 

“He’s just at home, resting. Don’t worry too much about it, Sir Hwang. He’s fine. I’m taking care of him.”

 

“I see. Thank you for taking care of him. He’s worked so hard these days. Let him rest for a week, it’s fine by me.”

 

“Will do. Goodbye.”

 

Taehyun gazes at Sungwoon’s still asleep figure, watching the other’s chest rise and fall at a steady and calming rhythm. If he really was in love with Minhyun like Taehyun suspects, then he couldn’t have his lover’s boss visit or Sungwoon’s condition might get worse.

 

A light shuffling sound from the sheets startled Taehyun and he shoves the phone back in Sungwoon’s jeans pocket before hurrying to Sungwoon who just woke up from a long nap. Their gazes meet and Taehyun’s heart seemed to stop.

 

“How long was I asleep?”

 

Sungwoon tried to rub his eyes but flinched as the needle of the IV moved on the back of his hand. Taehyun was quick to set Sungwoon’s hand down, staring at his lover who just woke up.

 

“How are you feeling? Does it hurt?”

 

Sungwoon nods in reply, still groggy from the sleep he was in. It takes him a while to take in the sight of his body with the hospital gown on along with the scent of the disinfectant around the room. The faint pain in his chest comes to focus, and this time it feels like bruising, as if something was wrapped around his heart to prevent it from moving. Breathing in itself already hurts when he’s conscious.

 

“Taehyun, I’m sorry.”

 

Sungwoon feels like an apology would be right for this moment. It was painful for him, yes, but it probably has been more painful for Taehyun to deal with the heartbreak he has along with the Hanahaki. “It’s my fault. Will you leave me after this is over?”

 

Taehyun felt a pang on his chest and he couldn’t bring himself to even look at Sungwoon, who stares at him with an expectant gaze. He hasn’t really thought of what to do with the aftermath. All he knew is that they both had Hanahaki, one of them fell out of love, and that’s it. But he remembers how warm Sungwoon’s hand felt against his, how they have gotten through different heartbreaks through thick and thin, and how they’ve always solved their fights before sleeping.

 

So, even if Sungwoon looks at him with emptiness after all this is over, even if he also gets the surgery and lose his own ability to love, he could never leave and give Sungwoon up. Sungwoon is his first love, as will be his last.

 

“I won’t. Never in a million years. Remember when you were bullied back in middle school? I promised you I would never leave you? I have no plans of breaking that promise.”

 

The constricting feeling of Taehyun’s chest becomes more painful, eventually coughing up two small white carnation petals that land on the side of the bed, just below where he holds Sungwoon’s cold hand.

 

“But tell me…”

 

In those three words, the silence was enough to raise the tension again. Although he couldn’t move much, Sungwoon feels the blood rush on his veins, his anxiety building up as he sees Taehyun cop a feel of his jeans pockets, pulling out a familiar silver card.

“I found this when I answered your phone earlier, love. Is he the one you fell for?” There was a picture of a happy couple on the card, and Taehyun pointed at the taller one wearing a crisp suit. It was Minhyun smiling brightly at the camera with his arm wrapped around Jisung’s waist.

 

Shame is all that Sungwoon feels when he gets caught. Although he hasn’t really acted on his feelings, nor was he conscious of how he felt for his boss, he still felt like he was stripped naked in public for everyone to see. The guilt also comes not too long after, for his own feelings started this mess. Then the tears come, streaming down his cheeks and creating blots on his hospital gown.

 

“Shh, it’s okay. I’m not mad. I’m not blaming you.”

 

As painful as the entire situation was for Taehyun, he really meant each and every word. It took him a while to console Sungwoon, ends up with a petal or two on his tongue after all the sobbing. Taehyun coughs up several petals too, his own roots starting to bore holes on his sternum and latch onto his own heart.

 

“Taehyun, do you still love me? After all this, after putting you through so much, even if the only thing I gave you back is pain, do you still love me?” At the back of Sungwoon’s mind, he wants Taehyun to be mad at him at least, for he feels like he deserves to be lashed out at, to be hated. But all he sees in Taehyun’s eyes is warmth, the soft and gentle hand still not letting his own go.

 

“Sungwoon, listen. I love you. I have probably loved you today the most.” He then guides the hand he was holding towards his chest, palm splayed on the surface of it. “This. It’s beating for you and aching as if it’s afraid that tomorrow I won’t be able to say it, that tomorrow you wouldn’t believe every I love you I’d say.”

 

Because it’s probably true, somehow, and so Sungwoon decides to bask once more in that love, to experience the joy and comfort of being loved despite his shortcomings. For he couldn’t appreciate that love after tomorrow passes. In the very least, this is all he could do for Taehyun.

 

“Tomorrow, it will all be over. You’ll be okay tomorrow. You won’t hurt anymore.”

 

That small promise of a better future lulls Sungwoon to sleep once more.

 

 

\--

 

 

That tomorrow never came for Sungwoon.

 

A sharp ringing noise wakes Taehyun from his slumber and the nurse that just entered their room almost dropped her tray at the sight. Putting the tray aside on the table, she rushes to the bed and presses the emergency button. Within a couple of seconds, a team of doctors were inside, carrying a defibrillator. He watches helplessly as the world starts to slow down, coming to a stop once the doctors stop on administering the shocks.

 

There was a heavy kind of silence in the atmosphere and it seems like any moment now the building would collapse on Taehyun.

 

On a fine sunny Tuesday, when the world was alive, the only person that Taehyun lives for has died.

 

 

\--

 

The room seems dark and cramped despite the large space and long table laid out with food, and it was gloomy despite the guests chattering the night away, most of them Sungwoon’s cousins who were one shot closer to passing out from being drunk.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Taehyun doesn’t realize that he was already holding a warm cup of coffee in his palms until he feels the warmth travel to the tips of his fingers. Minhyun’s apology was just as warm, and thoroughly sincere. Beside him was Jisung whose eyes looked puffy. Although Taehyun has never heard Sungwoon mention Jisung at least once, the latter seems to already become fond of Sungwoon’s presence from his constant visits to the office.

 

“it’s not your fault.” Somehow, Taehyun doesn’t recognize the sound of his own voice. He doesn’t recognize everything that’s been happening. The world has moved too fast for him and he still has to take everything in. “None of us knew, even he didn’t know about it.”

 

And then there was that silence again. Taehyun stares at the kimchi stew in front of him, already cold from sitting in front of him for about fifteen minutes now. Only a few grains of his rice were touched along with a few of the dishes, just enough to keep his energy up for the rest of the night.

 

Despite the tragedy, Taehyun wants to at least crack a smile. Even if his eyes were puffy red from stealing a few sobs in discreet bathroom stalls, he wants to be happy for Sungwoon who was already freed from the pain. But when he glances at the picture frame, a bouquet of daffodils standing out among the display of white carnations, he becomes aware of the sobbing of his grandmother, and even Sungwoon’s grandfather whom Taehyun knew was as tough as a thick concrete wall.

 

For once in his life, Taehyun was also exhausted of trying to be strong that he allows his tears to blur his vision, falling on the tablecloth in front of him. And he was numb to Minhyun and Jisung’s pats on his arm for comfort. His chest physically aches once more, excruciatingly, but he couldn’t scream. All he could do was cry.

 

 

 

\--

 

 

**_3 Months Later…_ **

__

White.

 

The entire room was white with a few beige accents on the corners of the wall. There were also beige accents on Taehyun’s sheets, and the curtain just beside him was a dull brown color. His first instinct was to reach for his phone, and he notices the thin plastic tube and he feels the stinging of the IV on the back of his hand.

 

He now recalls the scent of disinfectant and whatever distinct smell hospitals have that he couldn’t really recognize. The last time he has been here was three months ago, when Sungwoon was on his way for a surgery.

 

“Oh, you’re awake. Finally!”

 

His attention was caught off-guard by a male voice, quite deep and husky, and he finds himself being faced by one of his colleagues from work. The intern he was partnered with, specifically.

 

“Hyunbin? How…? What happened?”

 

He himself tries to recall what happened for the past few hours, days, and why he ended up in the hospital bed. His mouth was dry and had a bitter taste lingering on his mouth. He tries to swallow dryly and all Taehyun could feel is pain on his throat.

 

“You didn’t go to work for a week. We tried to call you but you weren’t answering. Boss was really angry so both of us went to your place and found you in your room. We also found a lot of this.” Hyunbin fishes something from his hoodie pocket and lifts up a white petal, already dried, with a hint of red.

 

“Boss told the staff you have no direct relatives so he signed the surgery form and paid for it already. Just rest, alright? After tomorrow is over, you’ll be alright again.”

 

 

Although Hyunbin looks like he’d be the type to be aloof and cold, Taehyun finds warmth in the younger’s eyes and although he was scared of the entire ordeal of a surgery, he’s comforted by the fact that after all this, his first and last will always be Sungwoon. And as much as he’d lose his ability to love and feel love, he’d rather have it than not live at all.

 

 

“Thanks, Hyunbin. I owe you and boss a lot. Thanks for not giving up on me.”

 

 

\--

 

 

“What’s your name?”

 

The room was too bright when Taehyun woke up, and that was the first thing he heard from an unknown voice. When his vision clears, he comes face to face with a doctor, looking at him expectantly.

 

“Taehyun… Roh Taehyun.”

 

 

“Do you know this person?”

 

The doctor holds up a small picture, the one he got in Taehyun’s wallet. It was a picture of a male short in stature, smiling as brightly as the yellow tee he was wearing. Taehyun expects himself to smile, or cry, or feel some kind of emotion, even just as a fake response, but he feels nothing. He tries looking into his own feelings at the short interval he’s given from thinking to answering the question, and it was all blank.

 

“Ha Sungwoon. My deceased boyfriend.”

 

When he speaks those words, he somehow expected the usual chest pain he’s been experiencing, but there was none. Sure, there was a faint stinging sensation everytime he tries to breathe, but that was just a surface kind of pain, the one felt on the skin. Taehyun doesn’t know if he should be disappointed or relieved.

 

“Mr. Roh, how are you feeling right now?”

 

Everyone looks at Taehyun in anticipation, and now that he gets a better look, he sees a few doctors just behind him awaiting his response (and probably holding their breath). His first instinct was to place his palm on his chest, expecting a surge of pain like what he has been bearing for almost a year, but there was none. His chest feels lighter, and so he takes a few deep breaths.

 

No chest pains.

 

“I don’t feel anything strange, doc.”

 

 

The doctors behind and the one in front of him heave a sigh of relief, and he gets a congratulatory pat on his shoulder.

 

“Your stitches should heal up in about three days to one week. Avoid strenuous movement by then. We’ll have another doctor check on your condition and if nothing goes wrong, you can be discharged tomorrow.”

 

He flashes the entire team of doctors a small smile and watch them head out the door. For now, it was just him and the cold, empty room. He catches a glimpse of his lover’s picture on the desk beside him and picks it up.

 

“I love you, Sungwoon.”

 

The words manage to slip out of his lips so naturally, like a habit, as easily as it is to breathe. However, today, he wishes that he could feel those words too. “I love you…” He repeats again, and yet it only feels like scratches on his throat to force himself to say something he doesn’t mean.

 

In the cold and empty hospital room, Taehyun wishes he could learn to love once more.

 

 


End file.
